Essay: America's Armchair Generals

Could war someday be America's pasttime?
Imagine that the most powerful nation on earth is a democracy wherein its roughly 100 million adults are passionately interested in politics, current events, and especially foreign affairs. Thanks to its free and open media, and top-notch public school system, its citizens are better informed than any polity in the history of mankind. Because of its diversity and tolerance, all manner of opinions is expressed and considered. And because of its well informed citizenry, those varying opinions are usually thoughtful, and mindful of the lessons of history, sociology, and economics. Politicians rarely tell their voters something they don't already know about the world. Thus, the voters are extremely hard to fool or manipulate.

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We clearly don't have that kind of nation. Not yet anyway. A nation like that would have never let itself invade and occupy Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

But what we do have, thanks to to 9/11 and an ongoing Iraq war, are Americans hyped up about international affairs and U.S. foreign policy. This wouldn't be a bad thing, except all this intensity is driven more by fear, prejudice, and emotion than facts and a desire to know more. Moreover, thanks to our professional, all-volunteer army, most Americans are divorced from the results of the no-end-in-sight "War on Terror."

It's not like Vietnam, when most people had a son, brother, or cousin in the fighting, who could die any day: the killing, the dying was REAL. Today we cheer on those who make the "ultimate sacrifice," by putting a metallic yellow ribbon on our bumper, or paying them mention during our prayers. Today when they die, it is sad. But on the bright side, they are heroes, because they died protecting us. (What could be a better reason for someone else to die?) Anyway they're professionals, we remind ourselves. It's what they're paid to do; and they signed up knowing the risks.

And on our couches and barstools, we tell ourselves and each other how much we admire those young men and women, and how much we hate the doubters and politicians who belittle their sacrifice. And then we have another beer in front of the TV.... That's the way it is.

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While the America I first described isn't impossible to imagine, it's not very realistic, unfortunately. A more likely scenario would be a slight variation on the status quo....

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Imagine that in the most powerful nation on earth, the evening news is almost indistinguishable from Sports Center. The top story -- the only story -- every day is our progress in the War on Terror.

Whereas before Americans had encyclopedic knowledge of every league commissioner, coach, assistant coach, offensive & defensive coordinator, team record & roster, they now know the name of every member of the Joint Chiefs and National Security Council, every general two stars and up, the directors of the CIA, FBI, and Homeland Security, and the Secretaries of Defense and State. They can tell you the composition and name of every battalion, infantry unit, and Airforce & Navy fleet. Their heroes would no longer be the pitchers, sluggers, quarterbacks, and point guards, but rather the Green Beret and Navy Seals unit commanders. Whereas before Americans would celebrate no-hitters, homeruns, touchdowns, 100-yard-rushing games, three-pointers and slam dunks, now they would celebrate enemy KIA lists, public water-boardings, and footage of carpet bombings. Whereas before, half of adult Southern males could tell you the difference between the Ford and Chevy stock car engines, those same men could now explain the difference in tactical purposes between the M1A2 Abrams and M60A3 Main Battle Tank.

Whereas before, coaches and players would be put on the hot seat on national TV, now generals would appear on the Sunday war shows to dissect their latest tactical victory, or conversely, contritely admit that "there's just no excuse, we just didn't come ready to fight." The radio call-in shows would glorify the bloodiest soldiers, tell us about the personal hurdles they overcame to become the killers they are today, and excoriate generals managing the war who "have the best army money can buy, but still can't win."

And then, just like now, the most outspoken and obnoxious know-it-all's when it came to the War on Terror would be the pot-bellied, beer-drinking slobs who were never any good at fighting, yet nevertheless talked authoritatively in the first-person "we," as if they were knee-deep in the blood & guts with the real soldiers.

Grown men would have long, and often bitter arguments over cheese nachos about which is better: airpower or infantry; Army or Marines; tactical nuke or bunker buster. They would put themselves in the general's chair, joining Fantasy War Leagues; the more sporting & daring would even play as al Qaeda, al-Aqsa, Hamas, or Islamic Jihad. Betting on KIA and civilian casualty figures would become a major source of illegal revenue for bookies and betting agents.

While before, sports teams would comb Africa, Europe, and especially Latin America for raw athletic talent; now the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and National Guard would compete to entice illegal immigrants to sign up for 10-year tours in exchange for safety for their families and citizenship.

Speaking of families, they'd go out to the movies to enjoy the heartwarming story of a young American too small, crosseyed and bowlegged to join the Army, but through sheer pluck & determination, managed to catch the general's eye, overturn his medical deferrment, and finally earn his "big shot" to join a real firefight and "kill some Hadjis," just like his heroic big bro' (KIA).

The most popular kids at school would no longer be the jocks, but rather the Scouts, who would earn merit badges in Interrogation, Coercion, Reconnaissance, and Automatic Weapons.

When watching the day's war action on NewsCenter in slo-mo, we'd gesticulate wildly at the screen, yelling, "Right there! He was right there! Why didn't you kill him?! Aww, you're garbage! I could've nailed that little kid right between the eyes from that distance! Right between his beady goddamn eyes!"

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There is a distinct danger in caring about something deeply and emotionally, yet abstractly, with a willful ignorance that dares facts to contradict it.

If we Americans don't wise up quickly about ourselves first, then the rest of the world and the threats we face -- including the threats we unwittingly create -- we're going to be in deep shit.