ROVING RUSSOPHOBE: Victory Shmictory
Why I hate V-Day
By Aspi Pahars
As we approach Victory Day, my least favorite Russian holiday, I often find myself wondering if they wouldn't have been better off if they'd just surrendered and allowed the Nazis to take over. Aside from the millions of lives saved, there would have been three clear advantages. First, all the gypsies, homosexuals and people from the Caucasus would have been eliminated, which is broadly in line with what most Russians would like to do anyway. Second, the SS would have beaten the Slavs until they learned to say "Hitler" instead of "Gitler" which would hopefully have a knock-on effect and put a final end to the absurd Russian tradition of using Gs for Hs. And third, Boris Berezovsky would not be alive.
Unfortunately, the Soviets decided to fight and won. I was having a chat the other day with an educated Russian girl - a university graduate, lived abroad for a bit, doesn't wear slutty clothes, is cynical about Russian politics - really a very civilized human being. But then the topic came round to the one thing that I dread more than anything, the Second World War.
"Is it true that in America they don't even know that Russia won the war?" she asked me.
"Well, I said, it's kind of true that people underestimate Russia's contribution, yes, although in England I think most of us know that Russia suffered huge losses and played a massive part in winning the war."
"A massive part? The whole world would have been fascist if it weren't for the Soviet Union. You guys didn't even start fighting until the end of the war."
I tried to explain the minor fact that Britain actually fought the Nazis alone for two years, having the shit bombed out of it while the Soviets were in league with Hitler...
"Yes, but millions more Russians died than English people."
Yes, they did. Millions and millions more. But is this really a reason to celebrate? Let's just stop for a few minutes and wonder exactly what it is that's being celebrated. A small group of intellectuals takes over your backward country, unleashes terror across the countryside, requisitions the only food leaving literally millions of your ancestors to die, and then sets up one of the scariest states in history. This state then proceeds to murder millions of your people on false charges of treason, sabotage, wrecking, and dill-hoarding. No sector is spared, including the entire top brass of the military.
As this is going on, it becomes clear that on the other side of the continent, a scary Austrian pervert is building up disturbing military capabilities. Keen to protect this beautiful society he's been building in your country, your paranoid, midget Georgian leader rushes to sign a peace treaty with said Austrian pervert, allowing Europe to bear the brunt of Nazi aggression while he can go on murdering at home. In a colossal misjudgment, your midget Georgian leader fails to realize that the Austrian pervert has absolutely no intention of honoring the treaty, and is totally unprepared when your country is invaded, causing countless lives to be lost.
The war goes on. Millions die. People are killed in the most horrible ways. In the cities, people starve to death. It is one of the most gruesome periods of human history. Then, by sheer force of numbers, after millions of Russians are massacred, the tide of the war begins to turn. Your leadership is willing to sacrifice as many people as it takes, and in the end, despite the mostly inept tactics, your side comes out on top. The country is devastated; most of the men are dead or wounded. And yet, somehow, the same miserable system of government carries on in your country for another 40 years, leaving you poor, depressed and well behind the rest of the world.
In a normal country, these hideous events would certainly be cause for some serious reflection. Some sad remembrances, some commemorations of the numerous feats of bravery and the millions of sacrifices made. Some solemn wishes that even if this terrible regime somehow managed to defeat the Nazis, you'd never allow such a system to flourish again.
But no. What we have here is celebration. One of Russia's biggest celebrations of the year, a celebration which political leaders have even turned into some kind of national idea. Not a memorial. Not a commemoration. A big, fat celebration. Parties will be held. Inhuman amounts of vodka will be drunk. Chauvinistic speeches will be made. People will feel good about themselves. And everyone will celebrate the fact that they belong to the glorious nation that single-handedly defeated Gitler.
As for the veterans themselves, they should of course be remembered and those that are still alive today should be treated with the utmost reverence and respect. But wheeling them out of their piss-stained apartments for one day of the year and having a big party because "We won!" before promptly forgetting them and leaving them to their miserable impoverished lives well isolated from Russia's new money hardly seems like the best way to do this.
Happy Victory Day!
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