Tuesday, November 19, 2013

11 habits of highly successful fetuses

I'll save all you fetuses, or ovums, as it were, some reading (I know it's dark in there), and list the habits of unborn millionaires and successful belly dwellers:

1.  Have rich parents. Listen up, fetuses. You should definitely make this one a habit; it's gonna pay off someday. Your parents can also help.

2.  Have well-edumacated parents.  It's key for fetuses to remind their parents to get a top-notch higher education before combining their sperm and egg. 

3.  Be beautiful. Fetuses, make sure that, at the moment of conception, you are getting your parents' choicest genes to look your best. You can still be successful without a pretty face... you'll just have to work a lot harder.

4.  One-child policy.  It has worked for China!  Your only "brothers and sisters" should be black people that you know (careful, don't forget #9!) or your church congregation.

5. and 6.  Select a good year and month to be born. Good judgment is a habit and it starts before life even begins. Fetuses, make sure you're parents get it on in May or June, in a year that is not 22 years before an economic recession!

7.  Fetuses, try to be born in the developed world. This one helps a lot!  If your future parents live in some hot mess of a country, before you pop out of the oven, make sure they emigrate someplace nice and civilized with lots of iPhones, Starbucks and expensive colleges.

8.  Fetuses, if you've chosen to be born in the USA -- excellent call! -- look closer and choose the right state. Avoid the Southeast!  (I know, it sounds so obvious.) Later, when you're a highly successful, rich adult you can go there for golf and deep-sea fishing, but until then you're not missing anything.

9.  Be white. If you decide later in life that you really like other races, you can always hire them.

10. Be a man. Even many women recommend it. Because it's a man's world. Even before conception, always be one of the guys! 

11. Choose a CEO dad. Preferably one who plans to bequeath you his company. Some dads are just more generous than others. Fetuses, make sure you always choose the right papa!

And if you're too undisciplined or lazy to do these things before you're born then... you'll just have to pull yourself up by your booty straps after your born. There are no excuses and no free lunches in life, non-people.

By Maxwell Strachan
November 15, 2013 | Huffington Post

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