Liking Dave Barry is yet one more regrettable aspect of my teenage years. Once I even wrote him a fan letter... in the voice of Beavis and Butthead. To his credit, he responded in kind. All that embarrassment aside, this time Dave really nailed it. Check out his All-Purpose Republican Convention Speech:
"Good evening. I stand before you tonight as the lieutenant governor of a critical swing state as well as a member of a minority group and CEO of the nation's third-largest manufacturer of curtain rods."Yes, I am living the American dream. But let me tell you about my childhood. My family was dirt poor. In fact we didn't even have enough dirt to go around. We all had to share one small dirt clod. At bath time, you would smear the clod onto yourself and sit in the bathtub; then, when you were done, you would smear the clod onto the next family member. The dirt didn't get washed away, because we also had no water. For that matter, we didn't have a real bathtub. We had to sit in an imaginary bathtub. And not a fancy imaginary bathtub, either: It was a nasty old used imaginary bathtub.'But we did not complain. We did not ask the government for a handout. And do you know why? Because we also could not afford vocal cords."No, seriously, we did not complain because we believed in hard work. Everyone pitched in with the family business, even us kids. My father woke us up every morning before dawn and put us to work. It wasn't easy: You try selling curtain rods door-to-door at 4:30 a.m. People would throw rocks at us. We collected these and ground them up to make dirt."So it was a struggle, but we did not give up, and you know why? Because we believed in America, and freedom, and opportunity. Those are not just words, my fellow delegates: Those are key convention buzzwords, along with "leadership" and "jobs," that will be repeated 19 million times before we finally get out of Tampa."And that is why I am proud to support Mitt Romney for president of the United States, pause here for applause. Thank you. Mitt Romney will bring us the leadership that we need to create jobs through freedom and opportunity and the creation of jobs in an America that is free and has leadership resulting in opportunity and jobs out the wazoo. In closing, God bless America, and we also do custom installations."
Uh, huh-huh-huh... He said "wazoo." Throwing rocks is cool. Huh-huh-huh...
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| If you think like Beavis and Butthead then you don't need a caption for this pic. |
By Dave Barry
August 31, 2012 | Miami Herald
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