"Corporations are people, my friend."
Chilling words from a lifeless android whose hair never, ever moves.
Here's the rest of this revealing human-android interface at the Iowa State Fair:
"No, they're not!"
"Of course they are," replied android Model MR1. "Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people. Where do you think it goes?"
Checkmate. It's like Deep Blue vs. a novice: no chance.
So you see, the logical criteria of personhood is whether something makes money for somebody. That somebody could be a shareholder in Saudi Arabia, Syria, or China, or another corporation which bought shares in that corporation which is owned by another corporation which is... owned by people. It doesn't matter. People are people. And we should not raise taxes on people, because taxes discourage people from investing -- they won't buy more shares in the corporation!
Of course... according to the cyborg's logic a vending machine is also a person, because everything it earns ultimately goes to people. So the next time that Coke machine won't give you your change -- don't curse at it and don't you dare kick it! That's a person in front of you! It has thoughts and feelings and Constitutional rights just like you do. Even vending machines and corporations are allowed to have bad days once in a while.
Of course, we cannot put a vending machine or a corporation in jail for breaking the law. And people, unlike corporations, cannot have citizenship in dozens of countries. But those are just details. The point is that corporations are people too. Oh, and unlike some people, corporations put their money where there mouth is. I mean, they don't actually have mouths, not physically; instead of mouths they have money which = speech, constitutionally. Get it? But again, details, just details. Corporations still = people. OK, moving on now....
By Philip Rucker
August 11, 2011 | Washington Post
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